There are problems with apologies

Published in News Press on August 15, 2017

People are going to hurt us, intentionally or unintentionally.

Ask yourself:  “Can I move on if an apology never arrives?”  If you are spiritually fit, the answer is yes.

We are hardwired for stories.  Life episodes and world events do not have discernable beginnings, middles and ends.  They are all cyclones of nebulous causes and effects.  Our brains superimpose narrative, conflict, heroes and villains.  It’s the only way life makes sense, and we want our lives to make sense.

If you create a story where you play the victim, it’s your call. Just remember, it’s a fiction, and the person you believed harmed you is usually doing the same confabulation dance.

We all want our worlds to be positive places. Even when our behavior is less than desirable, we will find ways to justify it.  It’s how we remain heroes.  It’s how we live with ourselves.

To Know Thyself, take an inventory of your own apologies.  How often did you say, “I’m sorry” because, after introspection, you sincerely regretted your uncalled for, bad behavior?  Such apologies are done in the noble quest of repairing a relationship.

Or, are most of your apologies served with the selfish hope of avoiding blowback?

People know when they screw up, and they need to be free to make amends and restore relationships with their dignities intact.  Demanding apologies is feeding our illusion we can control other people.  It is despotic.

Apologies do not remove the offense nor heal the harm. Spiritual beings focus on fixing, and, more importantly, renewing the relationship with fresh understanding. All of this work is done on our side of the street.

There can be something so delightful in making people crawl as they apologize on demand. But a spiritually fit person does not expect contrition from others. While you are waiting for the apology that might never arrive, meditate on your expectations by crawling back to yourself.

The Five-Step Crawl Meditation

Step One: Take Downward Facing Dog.

Two: Exhale and shift forward into plank.

Three:  Inhale, then, on the exhale, drop your knees to the floor.  Hug your bending elbows in and lower your nose to the floor.

Four:  Inhale, roll your shoulders back, pull your chest through your shoulders and lift to Cobra, your legs on the floor.

Five:  Exhale back to Downward Facing Dog. Repeat the sequence as many times as you can, building speed.

When you are ready, lie on your belly in Crocodile Pose, cradling your forehead over your folded arms.  Meditate on how you can give people the space to be human, including yourself.